A year ago God took us on a whirlwind trust exercise. You know those fun little games you sometimes play when you are a kid....you close your eyes and start falling backwards in hopes that the person behind you will catch you. Yeah imagine that game on steroids!
Jake left a job that he enjoyed because He felt like God opened doors that he was supposed to enter. Those lovely doors led to us putting our house on the market. Our house sold in two days and we were literally homeless two weeks-ish later. The time frame alone was proof to us that this was the path God wanted us on because it was insane. Then out of nowhere God delivered a perfect house that our family could grow in. Each step was nerve wracking but every step of the way we crossed our arms in front of our chest, closed our eyes, and fell back trusting that God had our backs. Trusting that we were obediently following His calling for our families future.
Now here we are a year later and we know we are right were we are supposed to be. But there is one thing looming over me right now that I just can't shake. We live in a house that has four bedrooms and only three of them are occupied. I am one of those annoying people that likes being pregnant and giving birth. Umm YES there are parts that I really don't love about the 9 month process (I'm not crazy!) but mostly I just think it's AWESOME! I mean God straight up knits a person in your womb, and then they get evicted, and you see them for the first time and it is ummm breathtakingly cool. It is a moment that you cannot even slap words on. I've experienced that moment twice now but Jake and I have always said we would have at least three kids and honestly lately we had been leaning more towards four kids . After Lila was born I remember feeling such comforting joy that I would get to go through the whole "knitting" process again!
Jake and I had planned to start trying for kiddo number three this August. Umm is this too much information?...I don't know, it might be but welcome to the open book called J&J Webs! This just in...August has come and it has almost gone and I don't have a peace about kiddo number three. It could be that I am just barely succeeding at parenting the two that I have already been entrusted with. It could be that I am selfish and keep thinking about everything that I will have to give up like my sleep, disposable income, routine that works and this just in waistline. Or it could be that I quit living the life a year ago that was about what I want and started living the life that He wants. It could be a little bit of all three which I think is what is honestly going on.
But then I look at the bins of clothes that my girls have outgrown and the bin of boy clothes that I had just in case Lila was a boy and my heart hurts....can I really give having another baby up? Can I give up the 9 month anticipation of is it a boy or is it a girl? Can I give up the bond of feeding with the sweet tools that God gave me? Can I really never have the newborn smell again God? Part of me REALLY wants to give it all up but then part of my can't imagine never experiencing that again.
Room number 4 can be filled other ways.....it can be filled with an adopted child....it can be filled with a foster child.....and those ways are exciting and terrifying. That is uncharted territory. We know what goes into the "traditional" way of filling that room up but the uncharted territory is scary. With every fiber in my soul I know that God has a child out there who belongs in our family. I know that we are the people who are to raise this child up. I have no idea who they are, how old they are, or what their story looks like but I know that one day God is calling us to take them in and shower them with love.
So this is the part where you come in.....I need you to pray for God to e-mail me! He already knows my e-mail address! Seriously pray for that! Okay seriously though just pray that God would make His plans obvious to us and that he would make us patient in the process and pray that He would give us an overwhelming peace about the final decision. This is a huge thing for me. I don't want to miss seeing God work because I plan out our life the way that I think it should go. I want to do this His way. If he's calling us to give up the crib and the baby clothes I will jump on that train and wipe the tears from my eyes! But if he's calling us to sleepless nights once more and adoption down the road I will exhaustedly saunter on that train!
My Verse of the Day today was Psalm 27:7 was "Hear me as I pray, O LORD. Be merciful and answer me!" This is the cry of my heart today! I am ready for an answer to a prayer I have been praying for quite awhile now. And I say this out of love but right now I am not seeking opinions or advice. You know when you just want to vent to your husband and he starts trying to fix the problem. And you have to go No I just want you to listen. I just want to vent! You can't fix this stud muffin husband of mine...your opinion is not the thing I am looking for right now......That is how I feel. I just really need your prayers! I just need you to intercede on our behalf because I want His will to be done in the filling of room number 4!