I'm told this over analyzation of every detail is normal after going through what we have gone through. It is getting better. I have been turning to what God's word says and just drowning myself in sermons and worship music. Just because I am a believer doesn't mean that I've got this all figured out though. Just so you know, there isn't this status that you hit as a Christian where you get to walk with a swagger because you are more full of faith then everyone else. Really I think all believers have days that we struggle really hard. I mean that is the point after all right? We can't do this on our own. We weren't created to do this on our own. That's the point of the cross. We need a savior. God is a relational God. He wants you to turn to Him. He doesn't just want you to memorize facts about Him or muster up enough will power to conquer things on your own, but he wants you to actually know Him and turn to Him and trust Him. Growing in that takes time. Maturing in your faith is a process and honestly I'm seeing in my own life that it's a much slower process then I would like.
These past few weeks I have been deeply convicted and I feel like I need to confess some things to my people. You see I tricked myself into thinking that my walk with the Lord was pretty amazingly strong.....and then the storm hit and I realized all the ways that I had been lying to myself. Like I tricked myself into thinking that I dug into my bible way more then I actually do. I tricked myself into thinking that my prayer life was legit when in reality it was shallow at best. I believed that Jesus died on the cross with everything inside of me but I was so busy with the three kid thing that somewhere along the way God sort of lost air time in my life. The 7:30 TV numbness was so well deserved after a long day of poring myself out for my family...surely God didn't mind if I filled myself up with The Bachelor instead of turning to Him. If I'm totally honest I've clocked in the Sunday church time, the bible studies, and the "good" deeds but that's not what He's after. He doesn't get glorified through my "good" deeds, half hearted submission and my memorization of bible verses. He's after me. He's after my whole entire heart. And I've tricked myself into thinking that I have this off the charts kind of relationship with God when I don't. In one of my darkest moments....I didn't trust that He could heal Dustin's heart.... and I saw exactly how lacking my relationship is with God.
Yesterday as we were waiting to get on the elevator for Dustin's follow up cardiologist appointment a little old lady was standing next to us with a bible in her hand. She is that old lady that you want to sit on a wrap around front porch with and sip lemonade with all afternoon as she just tells you stories from her life. We got on the elevator and she just looked at us and asked us how we were doing.....I didn't say fine because I knew she was the kind of person who wasn't looking for the easy answer. I wanted to spill my soul to her but I just looked at her with the fear and the doubt and the pain and said we are doing okay. I saw in her eyes that she knew what I meant. Then the elevator door opened and we got off and she continued to ride up and all I could do was think how thankful I was that we didn't have to ride up to the floor alone. He's in all the details......if we only open our eyes to see Him there.
As we were waiting in the waiting room I just kept exhaling.....and Dustin just kept cracking up at a flower picture on the wall. I mean the kid was laughing so much that the ladies in the office were poking their heads out of the sign in window laughing with us.
We eventually walked back to our room and did all of the tests and then waited....and the Dr. came in with really good news. His heart looks smaller. His EKG results look better. His heart sounds great. His BMP #'s are awesome. We do not even need to think about the word transplant right now....maybe we never do. God is healing Dustin's heart. My mom said something today that stuck with me.....sometimes we want to give all the credit to the Dr.s or the medicine. There is no doubt that God may be using them to heal Dustin but God created the minds that made that medicine and he created the minds that have taken care of Dustin. We left yesterday full of unexpected joy. We were more ready for bad news than we were ready for such good news. I am just overcome with thankfulness. Even when I was full of doubt and fear God stepped in anyway. He stepped into that room and reminded us that He created that heart and that he can heal it too!
"Praise the LORD! For he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart." Psalm 28:6-7